I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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