I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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