Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
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Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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