Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
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I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
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In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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