Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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