if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick, to the slutcave!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize