I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
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Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
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Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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