remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
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I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
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I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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