I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
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I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
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Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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