My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
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my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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