I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
