Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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