OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
