Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
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Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
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while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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