I faked an abortion last night.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
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I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
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30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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