I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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