i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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