drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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