I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
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If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
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That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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