Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
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She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
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I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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