Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
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3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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