her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
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and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Even my vagina gasped.
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And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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