I faked an abortion last night.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The best revenge is premature balding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize