Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
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my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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