I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize