He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize