if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
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Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
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Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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