When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
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she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
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you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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