I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
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Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
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I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
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