i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
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Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
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Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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