Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
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I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
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why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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