atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
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Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
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Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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