i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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