I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
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I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
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And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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