You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize