Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
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I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
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A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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