It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
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i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
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I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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