Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
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I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
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Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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