So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
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i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
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We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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