YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
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I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
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Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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