My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
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Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
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Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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