i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
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Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
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He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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