My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
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giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
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you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Can you bring me the toilet please
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