Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
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So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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