My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
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Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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