pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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