she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
