my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize