I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
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He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
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I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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