hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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